You Know How

So 1urecognize and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night (her first time, my second). I know I liked it the first time, but I definitely understood more of what was going on this time around. (Some spoilers potentially ahead... just to be safe, stop reading now if you haven't seen the movie, but think you might at some point).

I very much liked the movie. It did a good job of capturing what relationships feel like at various different stages. The central theme of the film is this: after a truly painful heartbreak, if you had the opportunity to clear the person (and the whole relationship) completely from your mind, would you? (I particularly like this question, having wallowed for years in a funk following my breakup with my first love in college... "I could have done so many things, baby / If I could only stop my mind / from wondering what I'd left behind / And from worrying about this wasted time". It's a really good question. Also, the treatment in the movie would probably be handy for treating post traumatic stress disorder if it were really possible). So, the movie does a good job of exploring the pros and cons of erasing a relationship from your brain. In particular, it shows how easy it is to forget the good times and good memories when you're in pain, and how awful it would be if you were forced to lose them. But the part of the movie that I liked most, and the one I found the most thought provoking, was examining what would happen if two people who had had an awful breakup had their memories erased, but then met again. Might they fall in love again?

The fact of the matter is, crap accumulates in any long-term relationship. People who are in love get hurt easily; therefore, they hurt each other easily. Betrayals small and large, intended and unintended, build up over time. Resentments build up, certain topics become off-limits, and it gets harder to have fun with each other. The best relationships go through some sort of renewal every few years to take care of this problem, I think. Also, the phenomenon helps the economy by keeping psychiatrists, lawyers, counselors, and travel agents employed. (Probably helps the porn and pharmaceutical industries, too).

I think it's an intriguing question to ask: "What would your relationship be like if you could magically sweep away all the crap?" Would it be magical again? Or would it be just a somewhat less annoying version of itself? I think this is a surprisingly easy question to answer in most cases. It maps very nicely to the more common question: "Do I still love so-and-so?". If you do still love your partner, sweeping away the crap would likely take care of most issues; if you don't, then it probably wouldn't help much.

In the movie, the two people do indeed fall in love again. Even after they find out what actually happened- that is, they ended up hating each other, breaking up, and erasing each other the first time around- they were completely OK with going ahead again anyway.

I really, really like that.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: REM, "Around the Sun"

So my good friend M. is getting divorced after 16 years of marriage (two children). I must confess, my first reaction when he told me was "Congratulations!!". In retrospect, that may or may not have been the most sensitive thing to say. Still though, it is indicative of my attitude about that particular union- which I never felt was good for either of them. I think most people have been in the position at one time or another of hearing a good friend of theirs say, "Hey, I'm marrying so-and-so!"... and then hiding the queasy feeling in your stomach, pasting a smile on your face as best you can, and saying "Oh, that's... really... uh, great!"

M.'s wedding was like that. To make matters worse, I was the best man. It's often said that the best man's duties in any wedding are threefold: 1. Throw the bachelor party; 2. Make a toast at the ceremony; 3. Have the get away car ready if the groom changes his mind. In M.'s case, I took the third one very seriously. But alas, the ceremony went off without a hitch... or rather, with exactly one (they "got hitched").

So, for sixteen years, they moved through one badly negotiated truce after another. Somehow, they managed to have two truly wonderful children, who are the bright side of the whole thing. But besides the kids, there was very little good to say about the relationship. I watched M. internalize his resentment, blow up occasionally, then internalize the guilt, over and over again. Most recently, he'd given up his faith (which was very important to him at one time), started drinking too much, and intentionally taken work assignments that would keep him away from home. Really, really bleak stuff.

So in any case, a toast to M. for making a difficult but ultimately good decision. I said to him the other day: "They say life begins at 40. Congratulations on starting three years early!" I'll close with another MP song that reminds me of M., and is always good to listen to at a crossroads moment.

High Time

What a scene
What a drama just to find the door
That was mean
That was totally uncalled for...

Have you reached the point
Where you must choose
Between what you lost and
What you stand to lose
Isn't it high time...

Could it be
That the future's going to turn out great?
Well, we'll see...
Meantime, somebody lays in wait...
'til you reach the point
Where you must choose
Between what you've lost and
What you stand to lose

So come up with a new line
'cause baby, it's high time

What a shame
I know nothing's ever been this tough
Out of blame
Out of all of that other stuff
But when you're alone with
What you've left
You've done bereaved and
Been bereft enough
You have reached the point
Where you must choose
Between what you've lost and
What you stand to lose

isn't it high time...
baby it's high time.
baby it's high time.

(Sean's interpretation: "What you've lost" = the past "What you stand to lose" = the future)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Michael Penn - "High Time", obviously

So, I'm a big Michael Penn fan, and I wanted to name my journal after one of his songs. Naturally, nomyth was taken; so was evenfall. The best song I've off the new album (I haven't heard the new album [as it is not released yet], but I saw MP live a few weeks ago, and he played some new stuff) was "You Know How". It wasn't taken, and it actually seems like a pleasantly enigmatic name for a journal. Maybe it will inspire some good introspection.

The real reason I started the journal was so I could chat with other journal writers; I got a little tired of being anonymous. Specifically, Rosiebird asked what my journal was, so I thought I'd better make one. Here it is!

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Michael Penn, All That That Implies